Stories from the NICU - Part One

The good, the bad, and the miraculous from our stay in the NICU.

If you visit my first Substack post, “Here We Go Again”, you already know that writing has always been a form of therapy for me. “Writing has been the most important way for me to process my life” - a quote that remains as true today as it has ever been. I guess I’m sharing this with you so you’ll understand why I’m choosing to write this series even though it will be hard to relive these moments.

You see, I need to write this series. If it doesn’t help anyone else, I know it will help me process my experience in the NICU with our firstborn. Although…I have a sneaky suspicion that writing this will be helpful for other moms and family members who have had this heartbreaking experience, too. As Adam and I have shared our story, we’ve been met with so many stories from other people who have walked similar paths. It is my hope that as I write this series other people would feel empowered to share their stories, too. I know that sharing your story can be terrifying and requires great courage, so allow me to go first.

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This is our son, Emerson Lewis. He was born Wednesday, August 7, 2024 at 5 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches. While his entrance into the world was miraculous and beautiful and one of the most incredible moments I will ever experience, the next four days proved to be the hardest days of my life.

A few minutes after giving birth, Emerson was taken to his bassinet to perform standard newborn checks. Adam and I were on cloud nine. We were texting and calling everyone who would answer to share the incredible news that our son was here. I was feeling really good all things considered. We even had our first few visitors. Adam and I kept looking at Emerson and then at each other saying, “That is our son.” We couldn’t believe it. The moment we waited 9 months for was here.

However, just a few minutes later we found out that Emerson’s sugar was extremely low and that they would have to re-test it every 3 hours. If he didn’t pass the next two tests, he would have to be transported to a hospital with an official NICU. I started to panic at the idea of him being moved anywhere other than my arms but the nurses assured us that low sugar was common for smaller babies and that he would definitely pass and be released to our room soon. We were told not to worry ourselves with the idea of him being transported because it was so unlikely.

The next test came and went and he did not pass. I was growing more nervous at this point but our medical team assured us that he was okay and would likely pass the next test. Well, his final test came and went and again, he didn’t pass. We were so confused and scared and exhausted. We were oscillating between extreme joy at having him with us and extreme fear of what he was going through.

To make matters worse, he began to have issues regulating his temperature and was undergoing hourly temperature checks. By the time midnight came, Emerson was moved to a make-shift NICU to be monitored for low blood sugar and irregular temperature. I was going on 24 hours of no sleep and experiencing every emotion possible as I realized he couldn’t be in our room for the first night.

The healthcare team continued to assure us that this was very common for babies his size and that it should resolve quickly. That assurance didn’t do very much for me. I was devastated. You cannot adequately explain to someone the feeling of having a baby and then being forced to leave your baby somewhere else. It is crippling. It is unnatural.

I felt like I spent 9 months growing this perfect little boy just for him to be taken away as soon as we got him. I could not reconcile the thought of being without him, even for a moment, let alone an entire night. Again and again our nurses assured us that this was a relatively easy issue to fix and that they expected Emerson to pass his sugar tests soon. This was probably one of the hardest parts now that I look back on it. False hope is deadly. We were constantly told that he would pass and be released to our care, which didn’t happen for another 4 days. We would get our hopes up and then he would fail a test. We would get our hopes up and then he would fail another test. It was a rollercoaster.

To make matters worse, we fully expected Emerson to be transported to a different hospital that night to receive better care. As a first time mom, hours after birth, I was freaking out. I knew that I wouldn’t be allowed to go with him since I had just given birth. I remember telling Adam that I would make them discharge me because being that far from Emerson wasn’t an option. I wasn’t seeing clearly. I could not be reasoned with or comforted. I just wanted my baby and I wanted him to be okay.

On top of everything else, a huge storm began in our area and all ambulance transports were being cancelled unless they were an extreme emergency. In fact, at this point, our family was moved into the hallway due to a tornado warning in our area. In that hallway they had to place an IV in his tiny hand to administer glucose to help his low blood sugar. What a surreal experience. I will never forget the tears that streamed down my face as my shaking hand held onto Adam as we watched them try to insert an IV into the smallest hand I’d ever seen. I wrestled immensely with the natural instinct to protect my baby and the knowledge that this had to happen for him to get better.

I remember the nurses looking at me with so much compassion but keeping their distance because they knew that I was beyond comfort. I remember feeling so angry at the nurse who was putting the IV in Emerson’s hand because she was causing him pain (even though she was doing an incredible job). I remember being angry with Adam that he couldn’t make them stop. I remember desperately wanting to look away so I didn’t have to see it or hear Emerson cry but also not being able to look away because I had to make sure he was okay. I felt so completely helpless.

Looking back, I consider that storm to be the first of many miracles that God worked on our behalf. Because of the storm, Emerson’s transport was denied and he had to stay in the hospital overnight. That meant that although he couldn’t be in our room, he would be just down the hall. I felt like I could breathe a little knowing that I could at least be near him, even if I couldn’t hold him or cuddle him quite yet.

A large part of me was still believing that he would pass and this would all be behind us rather quickly. I even remember a nurse telling me, “This storm seems like divine intervention. I fully expect his sugar to balance and for him to be released to you tomorrow before we apply for another transport.”

Hope. Those words gave me hope. I clung to that hope all throughout the night as I sat beside his NICU bed and watched him sleep. I clung to that hope as each glucose test came and went with disappointing results. I clung to that hope as I trudged back and forth from the NICU to our hospital room through the night. I clung to that hope as I attempted to understand how this was my reality and not at all what I was prepared for.

Even as I write this, these memories almost feel like they belong to someone else. I’m sure that has something to do with the natural trauma I had just experienced through childbirth but also the unnatural trauma of what was happening with Emerson. I can’t recall eating or sleeping or much of anything else that happened during those first 12 hours after his birth. I was completely focused on our baby and making sure he made it through this.

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Reliving these memories is difficult but it is also beautiful in a way and I have so much to be thankful for. Currently, Emerson is sitting on my lap at a healthy 6 weeks old and watching me write this. It feels like a gift to be on this side of the story.

I don’t know how many parts I’ll have in this series but I think I’ll write until I feel empty, in a good way, like I’ve finally laid parts of these painful memories to rest.

For all of you who have stuck with our story so far, thank you. I’m incredibly grateful that you are here. If you want to follow the rest of this series, you can subscribe below!